First we’re setting aside our own hopes and dreams to have (and raise) our kids. Then we’re relentlessly mocked (perhaps correctly) for being over-invested in the fourth-grade luau. Are we living through our kids? And how do we stop?
Psychologists have long said that mothers transfer our own unfulfilled ambition onto our children. “Symbolic self-completion theory” suggests that we look to our children as symbols of ourselves, and transfer our ambitions to them— which is why we’re not jealous when they get the big part in the school play; we’re a little too thrilled. Sing out Louise!
But as psychologist Wendy Mogel reminds us, our children are not our masterpieces , and pushing them towards our own notions of greatness prevents them from becoming the humans they are meant to be. In this episode we discuss the pitfalls of “achievement by proxy distortion” and how to take a step back if you find yourself a little too enmeshed.
Our favorite book on this topic is Leo the Late Bloomer by Robert Kraus, the story of a tiger cub who just isn’t getting it and his dad who is trying to not freak out. Recommended for kids, really recommended for parents.
 
Here’s links to research and articles referenced in this episode:
Stephanie Pappas for Live Science: It’s True: Some Parents Want to Live Through Their Kids
Elements Behavioral Health: Have You Been Living Vicariously through Your Children? There is an Alternative
Dr. Eddie Brummelman for The Netherlands Organization for Scientific Research: My Child Redeems My Broken Dreams: On Parents Transferring Their Unfulfilled Ambitions onto Their Child
Marinka for Alpha Mom Book Club: The Blessing of a Skinned Knee
Chapter 2: “The Blessing of Acceptance” from The Blessing of a Skinned Knee by Wendy Mogel
Martina M. Cartwright Ph.D., R.D. for Psychology Today: Princess by Proxy: Explaining Extreme Pageant Moms
This episode is brought to you by TriNova, a line of premium and powerful cleaning products designed for the toughest household jobs. We particularly love their shower door cleaner (soap scum be gone!) and their shoe deodorizer spray, which has finally gotten rid of that weird smell in Amy’s entryway. Get 20% off TriNova’s whole line of products by going to our special page and using the code freshhell.
This episode is also brought to you by Prep Dish— a healthy, subscription-based meal-planning service that tells you what to shop for and what to cook in order to make delicious meals for t...