The Wayward Irregular

The Wayward Irregular

Matthew D. Jordan

Description: Possibly erroneous miscellany mulled from a strange mind, and other stories.

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The Gentleman’s Guide to Smoking a Tobacco Pipe (Without Looking Like a Hipster)

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Learning the fine art of the tobacco pipe can be a tremendously rewarding experience, just so long as you don’t look like a complete tool-bag while doing it. For nearly as long as our species has been roasting food over a fire, we’ve been altering the tobacco leaf and dancing with it’s introsp...

It’s Probably Long Division or an Ancient Germanic Language

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While sitting in the front row and struggling to comprehend how one is expected to divide numbers using a little slash, it hit me like a chalkboard eraser to the eyeball: I was going to remain in the third grade for eternity.  It was wild how quickly I accepted the fate – I would sit [...]...

There’s a Special Quiet In The Cloudy Ones That Does It For Me

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The disagreement: A gentleman with whom I work tells me that the best way to take your meals is outdoors, and I respectfully tell him that he is a godless heathen.  He loves it – can’t possibly absorb enough sunlight and bathe himself all over under it’s vitamin enriched rays.  T...

Perhaps The Yellow Bag is a Multi-Purpose Survival Device

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When they opened a new IKEA store a few miles from my home, little did I know this would prepare me for inter-galactic space travel.  The titan blue box finished it’s month long and near-silent birth only recently – the store pasted against the horizon as a deity defiant monolith marked...

There’s One For Each of Us, and Mine Is Called Keith and The Girl

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Everyone has a morning show they watch or listen to, regardless of how accurate the words before that comma truly are. Part of the waking routine for the living can vary – coffee, a shower, blowing your nose and lighting a cigarette, wildly scrambling a fresh corpse from your bed then calling...

Ten Ton Fantasies, The Taibbi Man Crush, and I’ve Never Read Ellison

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Often, I sit down with eight fingers on the middle row, and not a damn thing other than a messy sneeze can get them active. They say – the royal they – they say that in order to be a writer you must simply keep writing. Marvelous, thanks they. The advice boils down to doing [...]...

The Inexhaustible Patience of P. Finnegan and the Terrible Funnel of Questions

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When hired at the agency where I shared space with an indomitably patient Irishman, little did he know that my presence would eventually correlate to his daydreams involving elaborate suicide. I’ll save you the backstory for this multifarious ride, the job, the people, the locations and all the th...

The Treasure Cave, The Gorilla, The Cliff Diver, Rolling Music and Bubble Guns

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You don’t simply experience Casa Bonita, Casa Bonita is thrust upon you. The restaurant, tethered to our realm in Lakewood Colorado, translates from the Spanish directly into “Beautiful House,” or “Oiled Beef.” The place is organic, breathing in and out, its tendrils plunge into your mind...

More Dark Stuff: Savage Grief for Internet Explorer 6

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If the internet browsers Firefox, Safari, and Chrome are your chiseled jaw pioneers – convertible cars and pitch black hair that never moves, then Internet Explorer yields more the image of an elderly gray sweater sitting in the corner, throwing offered spoons of cornmeal across the room in a...

Automata: Hallowed Be Thy Game

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Dark noir flows over New York, the swath of tonight’s brush is wide and grim. The 18th amendment has passed, and with it the cessation of all robotproduction - if it makes you toast it’s permissible, but if it reminds you to pick up more bread at the grocery - you’re heading for the pokey on a...

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