The Dialectical Playa

Just when you didn’t think it could get any weirder, it just got a lot weirder. A self-proclaimed adrenaline junkie who listed base-jumping and rock-climbing as his favorite hobbies, Douglas Spink was a successful entrepreneur who made a fortune in 1990s Oregon buying and selling small businesses. However, following his bankruptcy and financial ruin in 2002, Spink began smuggling drugs for a local drug lord in order to make some cash. He was arrested in 2005 after investigators found over 375 lbs of cocaine in his vehicle and, following his subsequent conviction, served a reduced sentence of three years.

After his release, he relocated to a remote, densely wooded area in Washington state near the Canadian border and promptly started a bestiality farm which became quite popular with those on the bizarro, animal-sex circuit. Following a tip from a district attorney’s office in Tennessee, law enforcement officers descended on his secluded, ramshackle compound and arrested him along with a 51 year-old “sex-tourist” from England who was later accused of having sex with three dogs.

So in tribute to Mr. Spink, I’ve created the following parody. First, listen to the Bud Light commercial below; then as you replay it, incorporate the accompanying dialogue. Fun!

Bud Light presents Real Men of Genius: Bud Light salutes you, Mr. Fancy Coffee Shop Coffee Pourer:

The Dialectical Playa and Bud Light salutes Real Men of Genius:

(Drum intro)

Announcer: The Dialectical Playa and Bud Light presents…Real Men of Genius.

Background Singer: Real Men of Genius!

Announcer: Today we salute you, Mr. Animal Sex Farm Starter Upper.

Background Singer: Mr. Animal Sex Farm Starter Upper!

Announcer: Anyone can make millions buying and selling companies or smuggling drugs, but you wanted “entrepreneur” to mean something.

Background Singer: I just want it to mean something!

Announcer: Tired of one-trick ponies, you wanted a stallion that could go the distance. So you started your own bestiality farm.

Background Singer: 23 inches, is that all you got!?

Announcer: Thanks to you, hundreds of deviants from around the world helped save Washington state’s economy with their own special brand of stimulus. Dogs, chickens, horses, and even mice, if it was furry and moved, you fucked it.

Background Singer: Come here little doggie!

Announcer: So crack open a cold Bud Light, O PETA person gone seriously wrong…and remember that on the animal sex circuit, you’re the cat’s meow.

Background Singer: Mr. Animal Sex Farm Starter Upper!

Announcer: Anheuser-Busch, St. Louis, Missouri.