SomaCow

I hate colds and flu.

I’m sick as a dog right now, but it’s not the weak and miserable feeling that I hate. It’s not the apologies I have to make when I blow snot onto someone’s Chik-n-Pattee with cheese, no mayo, at lunchtime, although that is the part that THEY hate. I don’t even mind the rectal thermometers so much, as long as I can make their use into a game of some kind:

“Vee haff vays of making you talk, Meester Bond!”

“Do your worst! I’ll never give you the microfilm!”

No, the most unbearable part to me is how really, phenomenally bad the cold and flu medicines taste.

I’ve tried capsules, and caplets and liqui-gels and cap-gel-pak-ettes and everything, but the only thing that will touch my symptoms is the dreaded tiny 2oz. plastic cup of gagging elixir.

They, meaning the boneheads at the pharmaceutical companies, try to pretend that they have gone to great lengths to give their vile concoctions a pleasant flavor. A few flavors that I have tried include:

Mint-o-burst: tastes like Jaegermeister, which I also can’t stand. Gets me more drunk than Jaeger does, though.

Golden Vanilla: reminiscent of ‘Nilla Wafers soaked in warm Evil, then dipped in artificially flavored vanilla goat turds.

Cherry: yeah, if the cherries are bursting with pus and septic tank residue. FYI, if you’re wondering whether it would taste just a tiny bit less foul if you put it on toast or a biscuit, sort of like cherry jelly, the answer is no.

So it’s time to take another dose right now, and I thought I would share the experience with you. Tonight’s aperitif is a fiesty little vintage from the Beaujolais region of Satan’s anus called “Contak Severe Cold: Extra-Putrid flavor”.

Here goes…

*gulp*

*ermphhhh*

*urlguhhhhack*

Well, I’m going to have to stop writing now and clean that up.

Then, I’m going to drink some “Mint-o-Burst” transmission fluid and go back to bed.

Wish me luck.