Diet fads come and go as surely as the tides and bell bottoms. You can say “bootcut” but you’re not fooling anybody, the Gap. But getting back to diets, everyone is looking for the quick fix. The superfood or the magic bacteria that will eat your insides, but just enough so that you look pretty and your bowel movements smell like a kitten’s dreams.

We’re here to tell you that the kitten bacteria doesn’t exist. The only way to properly manage your weight is with a calendar of some kind. One that berates you daily. It’ll say things like “how many doughnuts is that now” or “still putting off buying running shoes, huh?” If the calendar is correct about your laziness, you’ll feel bad and maybe make a change. If the calendar is wrong, you can feel better about yourself for being smarter than a calendar. Either way, improvements are made and you’ll start to feel better.

This is for poor people only, of course. For rich people, get someone to stab the fat out of you. We think it’s called “surgery” or “insurgency.” Those words probably mean the same thing, like “flammable” and “inflammable.” So get insurgency already.

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